Bugs

I miss the days when Zach was a baby. I miss when I could hold him, all wrapped up in a blanket. I miss when he didn’t cry - he squeaked!! I miss all of that stuff. I miss the FIRST smiles, those toothless grins. I miss putting those tiny little feet into tiny little socks. I miss the cute little baby outfits. I miss the baby smell. I miss the “awws” and all the little firsts. I miss being able to give him a bottle and see him staring up at me in awe. I miss that stuff.

I’m so proud of him now. He’s so smart. He knows his colors. He knows his shapes. He knows right from wrong – however, he rarely goes towards ‘right’. He runs around like a crazy person. He talks up a storm. He is learning to swim! He can go down slides and play at a park. He likes to play ball. He talks and has manners; he is polite. He is amazed by the things he sees. He used to be scared of bugs, worms, caterpillars… Now, he brings things “Wow..mommy…look!” to show me; he is no longer scared. He goes peepee in the toilet like a big boy. He doesn’t poop his pants. He has a smile that’ll stun you. He is no longer a cute baby, he is turning into a handsome boy.

I can’t wait to go to ball games, football games, basketball games. I can’t wait to watch him ride his bike on his own. I can’t wait til he comes home from school, excited to tell me what he did that day. I can’t wait to see him feel proud. He’ll be a big boy one day, and I’ll be so proud.

But then… I don’t want him to grow up. I want to shrink him back to infant!! I’m scared of how he’ll turn out. I’m terrified he’ll make the mistakes I did. It doesn’t really matter how you are raised – both parents, one, or even none! You always have a decent, fighting chance. It’s all in YOU. (Afterall, I was raised in a 2 parent, happy family. And I fukkked up bad.) I’m excited to see him as a man – a good man, treating a woman right … and his children. But I don’t want all that to happen – that means I’ll lose my baby. But in all honesty, and in my mind, he’ll always be my baby. I love him, and I always will.

It’s Spring!!!

What a nice way to begin the season…

ANYHOW!!! Things are going okay. My son has a mouth on him. It’s unbelievable, especially for a just-turned-3 year old. I wouldn’t expect the things he says. I guess that’s part of childhood and motherhood though, right? Okay, so my fault – I pulled off the highway and let him pee in a parking lot one day. So sue me!!

Today I’m just in the mood to sit and watch a movie. I’d like some quiet time. I kinda miss that part of my before-life. I also miss being hot. But I’m working on that one.

I’ve really decided today, for sure, I need to start exercising and watch what I eat. I really want to be thin again. I want to be how I was when I was 18. When my girls and I used to put on our skirts and tank tops and parade ourselves around The Crossings. When we used to get into my NEON YELLOW FORD ESCORT ZX2…

… and open all the windows and the sunroof, with the music BLASTING.. and drive! I miss that. I miss that a lot. But I can deal with missing that life.

But I want my body back!!!!                     

And that’s how it’s going to be, I say!!

NOW. Okay, so Dude and I had a pretty big argument. Which went into his own little issues to go along with this. Well all that is okay now. He is moving. I’m very nervous about him moving, I’m kinda scared that’ll make it not work out. But then the more I think about it.. it’ll make it just like it is now. He comes over once or twice through the week, I go over there once every other week. That’s just how it is now.. so there’s no big deal there. He said to me “Are we okay? Are we still in love? I don’t want to give up on us.” Yes, we are okay. We are still in love. Very much in love, actually. I’m happy, he’s happy.. Zach is happy.

I’m trying to find another job. I want a day job. A job where I can work during the DAY and then come home. Like normal people. Haha. I’m trying for a daycare until I can get my schooling moving. Looking forward to that as well.

Well this seems to be quite the post!! I wasn’t planning on writing this much. Maybe I’ll just go watch a movie now..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!

At 6:36pm I will have been a mother for 3 whole years. Ahh.. wow. I can’t believe it’s already been 3 years. I can’t believe my baby is 3! He’s not a baby anymore, he’s in his toddler years. He’s growing up. It’s sad, but exciting. I love this little monster so much.

There are times I wish I could change the way things worked out, or the time period that everything happened. I wish I could change the times, but he is the one thing I’d never change.

6:36 pm.
6lbs 11 oz.
Zachariah Joseph Sosa
(The only boy that I would give everything to!)

            

 <- 1st Birthday

  <- 2 years old

 

3 YEARS OLD! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHARIAH!

I love this feeling!

The feeling of accomplishment. I love it. I feel great when I get things done. It’s just an all over wonderful feeling. I folded the laundry I’ve been putting off. I moved the kitchen table and the dishwasher (yes it is portable) into another spot. This way, it’s easier for Zach to sit in a chair at the table and NOT get into everything else around. I washed windows. I cleaned up his room and moved boxes into our spare room (that I had packed with picture albums) and the extra matress into the spare room. Time for Zach to learn to go to sleep himself in his own bed. Yeah, still working on that, obviously. I have candles lit, I sprayed air freshener. I love good smells like that. I am going to load the dishwasher once we get back from our walk. So I also put all the clothes away and moved Zach’s dresser actually into his room. I just need to move my other dresser upstairs.. but I need Chris and Perry for that. Hahaha. I love men. Anyways.. it’s so nice. Almost 60 out! I wanted to go to the park.. but honestly don’t feel like driving to go to the park. So I’m thinking we’re going to take a walk. I’m going to have to take the stroller, but we’re going to take a walk to the mail box. Just me and the spawn. Hahaha.

About 16 days til my baby is 3. Is he still technically a baby anymore? I miss holding his newborn little body in my arms… I miss dressing him, and holding him and feeding him.. I even miss the 2am feedings. It’s so sad. I want another baby but not want one.. if ya know what I mean. He says to me today “What, Mommy? I can’t be getting up like this.”

He gives eskimo kisses. He gives high fives. He gives thumbs up. He gives the best hugs and kisses I’ve ever known.

Sperm Donors and Radar

Sperm Donors and Radars

Luis called my house last night. Now what? I don’t get it because he hasn’t called here since last year when he got out of jail. Last April. And he’s seen Zach once, which was in April. Everything passed since then. Even Christmas! So this month is his birthday and he calls. I just don’t get it. I don’t know what he wants and why he’s trying to call now. Over the summer he told Sarah that I changed my phone number so he couldn’t call. So how is he calling now? I think he has a radar… and right now it’s flashing and saying “ALERT! ALERT! KASEY’S HAPPY! MUST RUIN!” So then he tries to come back into our lives. He has no rights here anymore. Zach is not HIS son. Zach is MY son. I raise him myself. With no help from him at all. Not at all!! It’s sad.. Chris has done more for my son than his ‘father’ ever has. How bad is that!! All I can say is I’m not going to allow him to pop in and out of my son’s life. It’s now and get in, or never and stay out. That’s all there is to it. I’m not playing games! I’m just not doing it. Somehow.. I think it’s all connected. Between XC and him. I believe it’s connected. There’s something up, I can just feel it. And I don’t like it.

Other than this.. Zach is doing great. I’m a bit stressed, but he’s doing good. He’s so smart and I’m so proud and nobody but me can take credit for this. THAT is the best thing about being a single mother. It’s all from YOU. Nobody else. My son will grow to be a wonderful man, he will treat women the right way, and he will make something of himself. (And he gets that from me.)

Last Week Of February

Monday, February 25, 2008

Woohoo! I guess I’m glad? I can’t believe months are flying by. It’s like life is just going fast! Zach will be 3 next month.. oh my god. I can’t believe it. I’ve had a child for 3 WHOLE YEARS!
So I just recently decided I’m not moving out until next year, or by next year. I need to go to college. I’m going to do online courses. And I’m really going to do it this time, not just talk about it. I want to do it. And then honestly, I want to go somewhere other than here. I want to move to a city. I want to be able to start fresh with nobody knowing my past. I’m looking forward to it. Anyway, on this subject.. I moved my bedroom upstairs to the loft. Zach now has his own room with his own tv and his toybox and all his trucks and his car rug on the floor. He loves it. I love it more I think! Haha. I am so glad to have my own room again! Yay. So that’s that.
Now.. the boyfriend. I’m happy and that’s all there is to that! He is just a wonderful guy and in all honesty I am just sooo happy I found him. I never thought all this would be happening, but I’m glad it did. I do believe I love him! And he said something about “those 3 sweet but scary words”… hmmm. Like I don’t know what that is. Hah. But I’m loving it!Easter is coming next month already. Well, first St. Patty’s Day. I’m going to the parade, like I did last year. Taking Zach of course. Maybe Chris will go with us? Who knows yet. And I think Sarah and Kaitie are going as well. It should be fun! I’m looking forward to it. Okay and then Easter. I can’t believe it is at the end of March. It’s even BEFORE Zach’s birthday! That’s so dumb. But I am excited! I want to make the Easter basket and then we’re going to do an egg hunt (me and Sarah and the kids, and Chris) and I’m just looking forward to everything! I love the holidays and having a child. It makes it all worth it! And seriously, the fact that Chris is excited about it too? That’s awesome.

Zach’s birthday party is going to be April 6th hopefully from 1-3pm at The Imagination Zone. I’m looking forward to that too! I can’t wait. I have all the people down I’m going to invite. I can’t wait to do the goodie bags and fill out invitations and all that stuff. I’m excited!! What else can I say. (Is that sad? I’m more excited than my kid!) Hah.

So that’s all for now. I don’t know what else to write.

Babysitters…

So I am in need of a new babysitter.

I hate when stupid shit happens. We went out to lunch – twice – I paid. I also said okay, I’ll just pay for this and we’ll say I don’t owe you anything. She says okay. We also went to the bar – twice – and I paid for quite a few of her drinks.. also saying okay now I won’t pay you for Zach, I’ll just buy you stuff. She says okay. So what is the problem now? Now all of a sudden I owe her 30 dollars.. not quite sure how she gets 30? But okay. No. I am waiting for her to call me back now.

Yes I am aware that you can not pay bills with that money.. but I also know that if you’re not working, babysitting for 3 hours 2 times a week isn’t that big of a deal and helps out a little bit, right?

God I’m just so aggravated.. because I always end up paying for shit and then supposedly I screw people over but how so if I am the one paying for things in the first place?

I just can’t wait to move.. get a new job.. and put the kid in daycare. Maybe then shit will be okay… I know it will be, actually. Hopefully Sarah can babysit for me for the time being.

I pray.

The phone.. The phone is ringing!

God I am beat.

So lately, things haven’t been so bad. I’m just ignoring the drama. (And it’s ALL around!) It’s just really not worth it. Ohhhh wow, you saw me arguing with the boss? And? That doesn’t mean it’s your business what happened. Haha, and the crazy lady said she thinks I go to work drunk. Shit, I wish I went to work drunk! It’d be more fun that way.

Zach is doing awesome with the potty training. Really. I’m soooo proud of him. He’s so smart and he’s sooo fuckin’ cute. And *I* am responsible for that!!! I love it.

Things with Dude are blossoming well. He’s in it for the long haul. Tomorrow night is just me and him and I can’t wait. I miss him. It’s crazy.. he still gives me butterflies. And I love it! I think I love him… Just don’t let him know.

So.. I haven’t had any sleep in over 24 hours now. And counting. About 29-30 now, actually. I’m going to bed soon. But anyhow.. today we took Kaitie to get her cast changed. She was awesome! She didn’t even cry. Then we stopped at Wendys for the kiddies. Then had to rush home. Yeah, that sucked. Got home around 3:15 (late!!) and then I had to run back down to the store b/c we didn’t get a chance to stop there and Sarah’s father had to be to work. Then it started snowing. Ruined my plans for tonight. I was looking forward to Siamsa!!! Dammit. I even got a new outfit. But we have to rescheduele. I can’t wait.

So I’m sorry this is choppy and not making sense. I’m tired.

ALSO.. The other day I was talking to Sarah about mudslide (the drink). And I told her “c’mon, get drunk! I like to get drunk.” … Zach says “I like drunk too, mommy.” and turns to Sarah and says “Sah, I drunk too.”

HAHAHAHAA!! Things NOT to say in front of a parrot.. I mean toddler.

YAY FOR MY BABY!!!

Zach has been in big boy underwear ALL DAY LONG!! I’m SO PROUD OF HIM!! Woohooo!!! You go, little man!! God I LOVE MY SON!!

And I talked to Dude.. guess this might just really work out afterall!! Ahhh Falling falling falling.. Fallen. We’re in it for the long haul. Wish us luck!!

So fuck everyone else because I’m HAPPY! And no we didn’t break up today either. Hahahaaaaaa.

Oh yes, it IS all about me!

OKAY so to start. Zach is doing GREAT potty training! I’m so proud of him. I think he finally may have the hang of it! On Thursday we went out for a while wearing underwear.. and he only had one accident. Then yesterday we went in the car and to Sarah’s and to Mr. Z’s. He had an accident in Mr. Z’s but he did soooo good before! I need to get him more underwear. Hopefully.. this is the last bag of diapers I’ll have to buy!! Woohooo!! I am SO PROUD OF MY BABY!

Okay now second. As for my last post.. I’m just getting sick and tired of hearing my name. It’s getting ridiculous and it is childish. So just remember.. you don’t know me.

Now about THE DUDE… Last night he was here. I was so happy to see him. He was saying how nice it is to just be with me and how his heart is there and all this stuff. I was very deep in thought. I wanted to tell him how I feel, but I don’t want to mess up the words. I don’t know HOW to say things like that. Well I do.. but I’m scared I’ll be rejected. Even though I know I won’t. I know how he feels.. I guess I just don’t know how to come out and say these things. But I am falling for him.. very deeply. He already has me. He has my heart… he has all of me. I haven’t felt like this in so long.. and I’m scared shitless. I just hope it’s worth it. And so far.. I figure he’s here for the long run. And so am I.
Before.. he told me he’s falling for me, and his heart is there, but his brain is telling him to take it slow b/c he doesn’t know me completely yet.. but that he’s happy with me and just wasn’t expecting this at all but it’s great. I just never said anything back.. I’m scared! I want to say things back, but it just doesn’t come out.. or I don’t know how to say it. So I texted him… “Okay so here. Sorry I didn’t tell you last night. I wanted to.. So you say you’re falling for me, well I’m falling too. I have very strong feelings for you and I’m really loving it. And I haven’t felt like this in a while.. and I’m a lil scared but it’s worth it. I love being with you.. you always make me happy. That’s all for now!”
He said back “That’s what I’m talkin about! Very nice to finally hear.” Soooo now he knows I feel the same way. I’m glad I FINALLY said something.. haha.

So today I’m going to see Nevaeh. I got a new camera so I want to take some pics of her. Maybe I’ll even post some here. Fun fun! And then I have to pick up my mom from work. And then I’m pretty sure Zach and I are going to A’s house for a “play date & dinner” kinda thing.

My <heart3 already left.. and I miss him already. It’s just the greatest feeling.. being in his arms.