Yes. That’s right. With screwing around, I haven’t screwed anybody but myself.

I have to keep a tight hook on myself. I have to do it. At least until May. Once I get my fine paid, then I’ll be fine. Hah. Right. Then I can get another job, at least.

That’s the number one thing I hate about being a single mother. There is nobody else to take care of my little one when I am sick. And believe me, I am fucking sick. They said I have bronchitis. It hurts so bad I can’t even swallow, can’t breathe, can’t talk. And this is when the spawn insists on arguing with me about everything. Whining about everything. “No mommy I don’t want to”, “No mommy I don’t want this one” … God. But then thinking about it, even if FOB was in the picture? Like he’d fucking help anyway.

I need some rest, I’m so weak and dizzy feeling. I can’t even stand straight. I have the prescriptions, but no money to get them right now. Ain’t that great?

At least.. on a good note.. we’re getting our Sundays back April 13th. Thank god for OT. I could really use it.

I am just.. blah.  Murphy’s Law… Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
I’m just stuck. I’m doing my best. I’m trying. Yet, I seem to be getting no where. What do I do now?

Sperm Donors and Radars

So I am in need of a new babysitter.

I hate when stupid shit happens. We went out to lunch – twice – I paid. I also said okay, I’ll just pay for this and we’ll say I don’t owe you anything. She says okay. We also went to the bar – twice – and I paid for quite a few of her drinks.. also saying okay now I won’t pay you for Zach, I’ll just buy you stuff. She says okay. So what is the problem now? Now all of a sudden I owe her 30 dollars.. not quite sure how she gets 30? But okay. No. I am waiting for her to call me back now.

Yes I am aware that you can not pay bills with that money.. but I also know that if you’re not working, babysitting for 3 hours 2 times a week isn’t that big of a deal and helps out a little bit, right?

God I’m just so aggravated.. because I always end up paying for shit and then supposedly I screw people over but how so if I am the one paying for things in the first place?

I just can’t wait to move.. get a new job.. and put the kid in daycare. Maybe then shit will be okay… I know it will be, actually. Hopefully Sarah can babysit for me for the time being.

I pray.

I am moving because I am better than this. People don’t know the true story so they make things up. This is the definition of bullshit, stupidity and ignorance. In a way, I think it’s funny.. because I don’t talk to half the people who have my name in their mouths. I love it.

I was told last night… “When they stop talking about you, that’s when you need to worry.”

So I guess.. no worries for me! Hahaha.

I have everything going for me. Everything. I’m getting my car, I’m getting out of here, I’m starting over fresh, my bid is almost done!!, my son is the smartest little boy in the world, I’m going back to school, I am happy with myself, and to top it off.. my boyfriend is in love with me.

I’ll miss a couple people, but those are people I can stay in touch with. And honestly, if you don’t bring anything good with you.. and you are not somebody I can look up to… why bother with you? I’m not going to drag myself down to anybody’s level anymore. So let’s see what rumors come about this week when I don’t speak to anybody.

I hope they’re good!!

….

Again.. HE LOVES ME. How ’bout that shit, bitches? Eat it up. I am in love and I am happy with my life and my family.  Nobody can ruin it. I promise.

If you can’t trust your friends, who can you trust? Or maybe we just weren’t friends to begin with? Apparently, when shit comes up that has nothing to do with me and YOU INSERT MY NAME.. then I guess that would mean, no we are no longer friends.

You talk about highschool bullshit.. well, I’ve never dealt with so much shit at work until I met you, let me tell you.

And now you’re writing blogs about shit assuming it’s me? Go for it, keep doing it, I don’t care.

But when you bring my son into shit at work.. that’s just low. That’s some low-life shit, seriously.

And I REFUSE to deal with it.

So it seems it doesn’t matter what I do.. tell the truth or lie. Either way, it pisses her off. I left work early last night.. boss was sending people home. I was talking to Dude on texting and he suggested I come over.. so I did. I stayed the night with him. It was nice being there without K being there and being able to watch tv without it being turned off to hear guitar playing. Seriously, was great. I love being with him. My mom got mad because I didn’t come home to Zach. Well he was sleeping so I don’t see a problem. She’s mad. I guess she’ll get over it.

On another note.. I have to pay $245 for my fines and costs. That’s crazy. I can do it though.. I have 4 more checks coming this month. I’m going to try to get it done asap though. I also have to get my GED. I wanted to get it for a while now, I just need to actually go about doing it.

So Sah has an idea about Valentines Day. She wants us (her and hubby, me and C) to get a villa for 2 nights. I have to talk to him about it.. and it has to be 2 nights I have off of work. Probably would end up being on a weekend. And maybe we could get sitters for one night, but then have the kids there for the other night. I’m not sure about all of it.. but it sounds like a pretty good idea. And her father gets a discount cause he works there.. so that works out for us.

Things with Tas aren’t going so bad. We’ve been getting along for the most part lately. That’s all for the better.

I’m not sure what I want to do. I have 3 options.
Option 1: Sah and me were supposed to get a place. And that does seem like a good idea, honestly. However, P may come along.. and I really don’t know how well that would go over. I don’t want to waste time having to defend myself, or my son, or get into stupid petty little fights.
Option number two is Anna. She asked me if I’d be interested in moving in with her… into a 4 bedroom (plus a loft) house.. with a hot tub. 900 a month. Not bad AT ALL. But I don’t know how we would be as roommates. And plus it’d be farther for C to come and go to work and all that. I’m trying to take him into consideration too.
Option 3: There are apartments in WH that are 2bedrooms for $550 a month. I could do that MYSELF. I could just get a car and Ashley said she’d babysit. This is the option I’m leaning more towards. I’m trying to pursuade Sah into this too.. we could be neighbors. It might be better for both of us to have our OWN places. And then I wouldn’t have to worry about arguing with anyone, or privacy with C. I can do as I please in my own place. I’m really, really thinking of going with this option.
I just hope not to piss anyone off. I don’t want to hurt feelings, don’t want to disappoint anyone. But I think it’s really all for the better if we all just have our own places.

And I honestly just realized that Zach’s father never called for Christmas. Okay. Another holiday come and gone without any contact from him.

Now give me ONE good reason why I shouldn’t make his life as miserable as I possibly can?

The only thing is.. we had a great Christmas without him. And honestly, I just now realized he never called. I’m glad Zach’s not old enough to realize.. and hopefully when he is old enough to know that daddy forgot about him again, he’ll be old enough to know that it doesn’t matter because he has everything he needs and wants without him ever being there. That’s good enough for me.

I just don’t see how you could have a child and want nothing to do with them.. especially on a day such as Christmas.