Bugs

I miss the days when Zach was a baby. I miss when I could hold him, all wrapped up in a blanket. I miss when he didn’t cry - he squeaked!! I miss all of that stuff. I miss the FIRST smiles, those toothless grins. I miss putting those tiny little feet into tiny little socks. I miss the cute little baby outfits. I miss the baby smell. I miss the “awws” and all the little firsts. I miss being able to give him a bottle and see him staring up at me in awe. I miss that stuff.

I’m so proud of him now. He’s so smart. He knows his colors. He knows his shapes. He knows right from wrong – however, he rarely goes towards ‘right’. He runs around like a crazy person. He talks up a storm. He is learning to swim! He can go down slides and play at a park. He likes to play ball. He talks and has manners; he is polite. He is amazed by the things he sees. He used to be scared of bugs, worms, caterpillars… Now, he brings things “Wow..mommy…look!” to show me; he is no longer scared. He goes peepee in the toilet like a big boy. He doesn’t poop his pants. He has a smile that’ll stun you. He is no longer a cute baby, he is turning into a handsome boy.

I can’t wait to go to ball games, football games, basketball games. I can’t wait to watch him ride his bike on his own. I can’t wait til he comes home from school, excited to tell me what he did that day. I can’t wait to see him feel proud. He’ll be a big boy one day, and I’ll be so proud.

But then… I don’t want him to grow up. I want to shrink him back to infant!! I’m scared of how he’ll turn out. I’m terrified he’ll make the mistakes I did. It doesn’t really matter how you are raised – both parents, one, or even none! You always have a decent, fighting chance. It’s all in YOU. (Afterall, I was raised in a 2 parent, happy family. And I fukkked up bad.) I’m excited to see him as a man – a good man, treating a woman right … and his children. But I don’t want all that to happen – that means I’ll lose my baby. But in all honesty, and in my mind, he’ll always be my baby. I love him, and I always will.

It’s Spring!!!

What a nice way to begin the season…

ANYHOW!!! Things are going okay. My son has a mouth on him. It’s unbelievable, especially for a just-turned-3 year old. I wouldn’t expect the things he says. I guess that’s part of childhood and motherhood though, right? Okay, so my fault – I pulled off the highway and let him pee in a parking lot one day. So sue me!!

Today I’m just in the mood to sit and watch a movie. I’d like some quiet time. I kinda miss that part of my before-life. I also miss being hot. But I’m working on that one.

I’ve really decided today, for sure, I need to start exercising and watch what I eat. I really want to be thin again. I want to be how I was when I was 18. When my girls and I used to put on our skirts and tank tops and parade ourselves around The Crossings. When we used to get into my NEON YELLOW FORD ESCORT ZX2…

… and open all the windows and the sunroof, with the music BLASTING.. and drive! I miss that. I miss that a lot. But I can deal with missing that life.

But I want my body back!!!!                     

And that’s how it’s going to be, I say!!

NOW. Okay, so Dude and I had a pretty big argument. Which went into his own little issues to go along with this. Well all that is okay now. He is moving. I’m very nervous about him moving, I’m kinda scared that’ll make it not work out. But then the more I think about it.. it’ll make it just like it is now. He comes over once or twice through the week, I go over there once every other week. That’s just how it is now.. so there’s no big deal there. He said to me “Are we okay? Are we still in love? I don’t want to give up on us.” Yes, we are okay. We are still in love. Very much in love, actually. I’m happy, he’s happy.. Zach is happy.

I’m trying to find another job. I want a day job. A job where I can work during the DAY and then come home. Like normal people. Haha. I’m trying for a daycare until I can get my schooling moving. Looking forward to that as well.

Well this seems to be quite the post!! I wasn’t planning on writing this much. Maybe I’ll just go watch a movie now..

Fulfillment

There’s always that empty spot inside, no matter what. You can try to fill it and try to fill it but it’s never full until you are truly happy.

I am almost there.

The CNA thing takes about 2 months or so. I’m going to go for that. While I’m doing that, I plan on going to school to be an LPN. That takes 2 years or so. That’s my plans. I feel like everything is slowly coming together.

I am talking to a friend again. We are okay. We have been talking and catching up and hopefully we are over the childish nonsense. I hope.

I am getting more excited for spring time. Zach got a bike and he can’t wait to ride it. I need to get one too so that we can ride together once he learns. I can’t wait to go to the beach, I can’t wait to go to Dorney park, I can’t wait to just go. I LOVE the spring time, the summer time. I love the fun we can have. It’s just an all around happy time to me.

However.. it’s also the time I normally screw up. So here’s hoping I stay strong this time. I plan on it.

Zach’s party was okay. A lot of people didn’t show. It irks me that adults are ignorant enough to just not show up. If your child is not going – say so. It costs me money. I hate wasting money.

SOOO I guess there’s really not too much to say. This is a quick update. I’m just happy.

I’m getting things together. I’m getting life in the right lane. I’m happy. My son is great. I’m in love. Everything is going great. For once.

Baby Stories

I have a bad habit of watching A Baby Story on TLC. I shouldn’t do it. It makes me want another baby. And honestly, I do want another baby. I know I can’t do it mentally or physically or financially right now, but I want one. However, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have another baby. I believe I will, but who knows? Who knows if I’ll ever really be able to do it? I don’t want to take any chances.

I just want to hold a little baby again.. knowing that baby counts on me for everything and needs me. I want that feeling again. I love the smell of babies, the feel of them. The love!  Ahhh, okay I’m stopping now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!

At 6:36pm I will have been a mother for 3 whole years. Ahh.. wow. I can’t believe it’s already been 3 years. I can’t believe my baby is 3! He’s not a baby anymore, he’s in his toddler years. He’s growing up. It’s sad, but exciting. I love this little monster so much.

There are times I wish I could change the way things worked out, or the time period that everything happened. I wish I could change the times, but he is the one thing I’d never change.

6:36 pm.
6lbs 11 oz.
Zachariah Joseph Sosa
(The only boy that I would give everything to!)

            

 <- 1st Birthday

  <- 2 years old

 

3 YEARS OLD! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHARIAH!

Sick as a Dog!

That’s the number one thing I hate about being a single mother. There is nobody else to take care of my little one when I am sick. And believe me, I am fucking sick. They said I have bronchitis. It hurts so bad I can’t even swallow, can’t breathe, can’t talk. And this is when the spawn insists on arguing with me about everything. Whining about everything. “No mommy I don’t want to”, “No mommy I don’t want this one” … God. But then thinking about it, even if FOB was in the picture? Like he’d fucking help anyway.

I need some rest, I’m so weak and dizzy feeling. I can’t even stand straight. I have the prescriptions, but no money to get them right now. Ain’t that great?

At least.. on a good note.. we’re getting our Sundays back April 13th. Thank god for OT. I could really use it.

I love this feeling!

The feeling of accomplishment. I love it. I feel great when I get things done. It’s just an all over wonderful feeling. I folded the laundry I’ve been putting off. I moved the kitchen table and the dishwasher (yes it is portable) into another spot. This way, it’s easier for Zach to sit in a chair at the table and NOT get into everything else around. I washed windows. I cleaned up his room and moved boxes into our spare room (that I had packed with picture albums) and the extra matress into the spare room. Time for Zach to learn to go to sleep himself in his own bed. Yeah, still working on that, obviously. I have candles lit, I sprayed air freshener. I love good smells like that. I am going to load the dishwasher once we get back from our walk. So I also put all the clothes away and moved Zach’s dresser actually into his room. I just need to move my other dresser upstairs.. but I need Chris and Perry for that. Hahaha. I love men. Anyways.. it’s so nice. Almost 60 out! I wanted to go to the park.. but honestly don’t feel like driving to go to the park. So I’m thinking we’re going to take a walk. I’m going to have to take the stroller, but we’re going to take a walk to the mail box. Just me and the spawn. Hahaha.

About 16 days til my baby is 3. Is he still technically a baby anymore? I miss holding his newborn little body in my arms… I miss dressing him, and holding him and feeding him.. I even miss the 2am feedings. It’s so sad. I want another baby but not want one.. if ya know what I mean. He says to me today “What, Mommy? I can’t be getting up like this.”

He gives eskimo kisses. He gives high fives. He gives thumbs up. He gives the best hugs and kisses I’ve ever known.

Last Week Of February

Monday, February 25, 2008

Woohoo! I guess I’m glad? I can’t believe months are flying by. It’s like life is just going fast! Zach will be 3 next month.. oh my god. I can’t believe it. I’ve had a child for 3 WHOLE YEARS!
So I just recently decided I’m not moving out until next year, or by next year. I need to go to college. I’m going to do online courses. And I’m really going to do it this time, not just talk about it. I want to do it. And then honestly, I want to go somewhere other than here. I want to move to a city. I want to be able to start fresh with nobody knowing my past. I’m looking forward to it. Anyway, on this subject.. I moved my bedroom upstairs to the loft. Zach now has his own room with his own tv and his toybox and all his trucks and his car rug on the floor. He loves it. I love it more I think! Haha. I am so glad to have my own room again! Yay. So that’s that.
Now.. the boyfriend. I’m happy and that’s all there is to that! He is just a wonderful guy and in all honesty I am just sooo happy I found him. I never thought all this would be happening, but I’m glad it did. I do believe I love him! And he said something about “those 3 sweet but scary words”… hmmm. Like I don’t know what that is. Hah. But I’m loving it!Easter is coming next month already. Well, first St. Patty’s Day. I’m going to the parade, like I did last year. Taking Zach of course. Maybe Chris will go with us? Who knows yet. And I think Sarah and Kaitie are going as well. It should be fun! I’m looking forward to it. Okay and then Easter. I can’t believe it is at the end of March. It’s even BEFORE Zach’s birthday! That’s so dumb. But I am excited! I want to make the Easter basket and then we’re going to do an egg hunt (me and Sarah and the kids, and Chris) and I’m just looking forward to everything! I love the holidays and having a child. It makes it all worth it! And seriously, the fact that Chris is excited about it too? That’s awesome.

Zach’s birthday party is going to be April 6th hopefully from 1-3pm at The Imagination Zone. I’m looking forward to that too! I can’t wait. I have all the people down I’m going to invite. I can’t wait to do the goodie bags and fill out invitations and all that stuff. I’m excited!! What else can I say. (Is that sad? I’m more excited than my kid!) Hah.

So that’s all for now. I don’t know what else to write.

All in all…

R.I.P. Aunt Mary. I love you and I will miss you.

At the funeral, I was thinking.. there’s only 4 of them left. And my poor grandmother.. I ache for her. I can’t even imagine how she must feel. Losing her husband years ago, my uncle (her son-in-law of YEARS), her son (my own father), her sister, and now her oldest child..and only daughter. How horrible that must be. If anyone really does read my blog, please give a prayer for her. She is truly a strong woman.. and still as loving and giving as ever. She is my hero.

Now.. Moving time is coming closer. I am getting nervous, about being able to do everything on my own. I have faith in myself.. I believe I can do it. But there’s just so many things I worry about. Like my legal “issues”… I don’t want any of that to get screwed up. I’m scared to death of that. I’m scared of losing everything, especially when I really am doing good. I am doing everything right. I am trying to get things going for myself… and mostly, for my son. I want to go back to school. And I can’t wait to do it. I want to be the person, the woman, and the mother I know I can be. I want to do what I know I am capable of. And I look forward to it.

Now.. for The Dude. Chris. Every time I see him, feelings get stronger. I don’t even know, I don’t know if it’s right or not. If I should feel like this.. if he feels the same way or not. I think he does. I am pretty damn sure he does. Honestly, all I know now, is that he has me hooked. I don’t even THINK of other guys while I have him. And it’s not all about sex, either. That’s the best thing about it. We have a real relationship.. something real and wonderful going on. He’s so great to Zach. He’s just so awesome all together. I believe I love him. I really, really think I do. Isn’t that what love is? Not being able to get someone out of your mind?

If you can’t get someone out of your mind, maybe they’re supposed to be there.

So maybe life is finally going right. Maybe I’m not such a screw up. Maybe things will go right. Either way, I’ve made mistakes and I’m trying to get past them. I will be the first to admit I am not perfect. Extremely far from it, actually. But I am trying. Trying very hard, too. I’m sure I’ll make more mistakes, hopefully never like the past, but I know I’ll get through them too. I have faith in me.

Upgrade Ya!!

Okay so first … the test is March 10th & 12th. My P.O. is okay with this. Thank god. All is well.

Yesterday my wonderful friend Sarah kept my son from 11 – 5 and I got 5 FULL HOURS OF SLEEP!!! It felt so good, and I needed it. I missed Zach so much, so I told him today we’re going to spend a day playing and watching tv together. It’s a “Mommy & Me” day today. So, of course, this won’t be long.

Tonight C is coming over. He came over the other night but we barely even got to talk … it was later, and I had to go pick up my mom (he watched Zach) and I came home, we watched a movie, and went to bed because he had to get up at 4:30. My poor guy. He’s so great. And I really am in deep with him. Loving it.