Bugs

I miss the days when Zach was a baby. I miss when I could hold him, all wrapped up in a blanket. I miss when he didn’t cry - he squeaked!! I miss all of that stuff. I miss the FIRST smiles, those toothless grins. I miss putting those tiny little feet into tiny little socks. I miss the cute little baby outfits. I miss the baby smell. I miss the “awws” and all the little firsts. I miss being able to give him a bottle and see him staring up at me in awe. I miss that stuff.

I’m so proud of him now. He’s so smart. He knows his colors. He knows his shapes. He knows right from wrong – however, he rarely goes towards ‘right’. He runs around like a crazy person. He talks up a storm. He is learning to swim! He can go down slides and play at a park. He likes to play ball. He talks and has manners; he is polite. He is amazed by the things he sees. He used to be scared of bugs, worms, caterpillars… Now, he brings things “Wow..mommy…look!” to show me; he is no longer scared. He goes peepee in the toilet like a big boy. He doesn’t poop his pants. He has a smile that’ll stun you. He is no longer a cute baby, he is turning into a handsome boy.

I can’t wait to go to ball games, football games, basketball games. I can’t wait to watch him ride his bike on his own. I can’t wait til he comes home from school, excited to tell me what he did that day. I can’t wait to see him feel proud. He’ll be a big boy one day, and I’ll be so proud.

But then… I don’t want him to grow up. I want to shrink him back to infant!! I’m scared of how he’ll turn out. I’m terrified he’ll make the mistakes I did. It doesn’t really matter how you are raised – both parents, one, or even none! You always have a decent, fighting chance. It’s all in YOU. (Afterall, I was raised in a 2 parent, happy family. And I fukkked up bad.) I’m excited to see him as a man – a good man, treating a woman right … and his children. But I don’t want all that to happen – that means I’ll lose my baby. But in all honesty, and in my mind, he’ll always be my baby. I love him, and I always will.

Love

There are so many different kinds of love.

You can love your friends.
You can love your family.
You can LOVE somebody.
You can love your child … that’s the best kind.
And,
You can be IN love.

I have all of these. I’m so lucky.

I really, really love him. I didn’t think it was as “serious” as it is until last night. We talked about some things. And really, it’s great. I’m so happy. I just love him so much. With all of me. It’s crazy. I never thought I’d feel this way again.

Sometimes I feel guilty.. because you love differently each time you’re in love. That feeling is always different. It’s hard not to compare. I was doubting myself a little bit, until last night. Now, everything is even better than I imagined. I’m just so happy and so in love, and it is amazing.

Nobody but myself

Yes. That’s right. With screwing around, I haven’t screwed anybody but myself.

I have to keep a tight hook on myself. I have to do it. At least until May. Once I get my fine paid, then I’ll be fine. Hah. Right. Then I can get another job, at least.

 

About My Man … Yes, I am bored

Yeah yeah skip this if you want. But I just want to write about him.

How well do you know your man?

<<My Man>>
About him:

His Birthday: June 1

How long have you been together? About 6 – 7 months now. I think closer to 7.

How long did you know each other before you got together? A bit. We had hung out at the house, gone to lunch, and gone to the bar before we “got together”

What physical features attracted you to him first?: His smile, his body shape… yeah, shoulders.. and he has a nice butt!

Hair color: Blonde… going some thinning and some gray going on! lol He’s an oldhead

Hair style: Crew cut I guess? Keeps it close since the navy, he says..

How did you meet? Through friends.. his roomies.

RELATIONSHIP STUFF

How serious is it: We are IN LOVE.. it’s serious. I want to be with him permanently.

Are you in love? ABSOLUTELY.

Do your parents like him: My mother does. My aunts like him. My friends like him. My BROTHER likes him.

Does it matter?: Yes, it does. To me.

Do you trust him? Yes, I believe I do.

Does he let you wear his pants? Um I don’t want to wear his pants?

Do you have a shirt of his that you sleep with?  I have a shirt he bought me, an older shirt of his, and a few other shirts.. he leaves some every time he’s here. lol.

Do you like the way he smells: I LOOOOVE the way he smells!!

Can you picture having kids with him: Well I already have mine and he seems to love him just as much. I would have kids with him, in the future.

What bothers you the most about him: He has mood swings worse than a bitch on PMS!! Hahaha. Also.. he cheats at air hockey.

Does he have a temper? Yeah, but it takes a LOT to get there. And I’ve never seen it.

Are you happy to be with him: Yes, very much so. I love him, and I’m keeping him.

Does he embarrass you in public: No.

SOME OTHER STUFF

Does he have any piercings?: Umm.. I don’t think so. But I’m not actually sure.

Does he have any scars that you know of? Yep

Is he a party dude or stay at home kind of guy?: He would definitely stay home rather than party. I guess, keep the party at home, right?

Is he Outgoing or Shy? Shy. For sure.

Does he love his mama? She’s gone.

Would he hang out with you and YOUR friends? He has before.

Does he sing? Sometimes. He should sing to me more often. I like it.

Does he snore? Nopers.

Do you like his friends? Well, for the most part, I guess. The ones I know.. is how I met him. Haven’t met his other friends. I have to do that sometime. (Already made that promise.)

 

 

It’s Spring!!!

What a nice way to begin the season…

ANYHOW!!! Things are going okay. My son has a mouth on him. It’s unbelievable, especially for a just-turned-3 year old. I wouldn’t expect the things he says. I guess that’s part of childhood and motherhood though, right? Okay, so my fault – I pulled off the highway and let him pee in a parking lot one day. So sue me!!

Today I’m just in the mood to sit and watch a movie. I’d like some quiet time. I kinda miss that part of my before-life. I also miss being hot. But I’m working on that one.

I’ve really decided today, for sure, I need to start exercising and watch what I eat. I really want to be thin again. I want to be how I was when I was 18. When my girls and I used to put on our skirts and tank tops and parade ourselves around The Crossings. When we used to get into my NEON YELLOW FORD ESCORT ZX2…

… and open all the windows and the sunroof, with the music BLASTING.. and drive! I miss that. I miss that a lot. But I can deal with missing that life.

But I want my body back!!!!                     

And that’s how it’s going to be, I say!!

NOW. Okay, so Dude and I had a pretty big argument. Which went into his own little issues to go along with this. Well all that is okay now. He is moving. I’m very nervous about him moving, I’m kinda scared that’ll make it not work out. But then the more I think about it.. it’ll make it just like it is now. He comes over once or twice through the week, I go over there once every other week. That’s just how it is now.. so there’s no big deal there. He said to me “Are we okay? Are we still in love? I don’t want to give up on us.” Yes, we are okay. We are still in love. Very much in love, actually. I’m happy, he’s happy.. Zach is happy.

I’m trying to find another job. I want a day job. A job where I can work during the DAY and then come home. Like normal people. Haha. I’m trying for a daycare until I can get my schooling moving. Looking forward to that as well.

Well this seems to be quite the post!! I wasn’t planning on writing this much. Maybe I’ll just go watch a movie now..

Not quite sure

I’m having some issues here and there. I don’t know if things are getting better or worse, but things happening make me think.

You are your own worst enemy.

That’s for damn sure.

Fulfillment

There’s always that empty spot inside, no matter what. You can try to fill it and try to fill it but it’s never full until you are truly happy.

I am almost there.

The CNA thing takes about 2 months or so. I’m going to go for that. While I’m doing that, I plan on going to school to be an LPN. That takes 2 years or so. That’s my plans. I feel like everything is slowly coming together.

I am talking to a friend again. We are okay. We have been talking and catching up and hopefully we are over the childish nonsense. I hope.

I am getting more excited for spring time. Zach got a bike and he can’t wait to ride it. I need to get one too so that we can ride together once he learns. I can’t wait to go to the beach, I can’t wait to go to Dorney park, I can’t wait to just go. I LOVE the spring time, the summer time. I love the fun we can have. It’s just an all around happy time to me.

However.. it’s also the time I normally screw up. So here’s hoping I stay strong this time. I plan on it.

Zach’s party was okay. A lot of people didn’t show. It irks me that adults are ignorant enough to just not show up. If your child is not going – say so. It costs me money. I hate wasting money.

SOOO I guess there’s really not too much to say. This is a quick update. I’m just happy.

I’m getting things together. I’m getting life in the right lane. I’m happy. My son is great. I’m in love. Everything is going great. For once.

Looking forward to my life!

I’m so proud of myself. I got my GED results and I passed everything. I figured I would, honestly, I really did. But I did so much better than I thought I would. I’m very proud of myself. This is a huge step. This means I can go forward with my life. And I really, really have decided 100% for sure what I want to do. I want to be a CNA. I want to go to school for it and get it done and pursue it. I want to love living my life. And I am looking forward to it.

Will update later.

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Baby Stories

I have a bad habit of watching A Baby Story on TLC. I shouldn’t do it. It makes me want another baby. And honestly, I do want another baby. I know I can’t do it mentally or physically or financially right now, but I want one. However, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have another baby. I believe I will, but who knows? Who knows if I’ll ever really be able to do it? I don’t want to take any chances.

I just want to hold a little baby again.. knowing that baby counts on me for everything and needs me. I want that feeling again. I love the smell of babies, the feel of them. The love!  Ahhh, okay I’m stopping now.