All in all…

R.I.P. Aunt Mary. I love you and I will miss you.

At the funeral, I was thinking.. there’s only 4 of them left. And my poor grandmother.. I ache for her. I can’t even imagine how she must feel. Losing her husband years ago, my uncle (her son-in-law of YEARS), her son (my own father), her sister, and now her oldest child..and only daughter. How horrible that must be. If anyone really does read my blog, please give a prayer for her. She is truly a strong woman.. and still as loving and giving as ever. She is my hero.

Now.. Moving time is coming closer. I am getting nervous, about being able to do everything on my own. I have faith in myself.. I believe I can do it. But there’s just so many things I worry about. Like my legal “issues”… I don’t want any of that to get screwed up. I’m scared to death of that. I’m scared of losing everything, especially when I really am doing good. I am doing everything right. I am trying to get things going for myself… and mostly, for my son. I want to go back to school. And I can’t wait to do it. I want to be the person, the woman, and the mother I know I can be. I want to do what I know I am capable of. And I look forward to it.

Now.. for The Dude. Chris. Every time I see him, feelings get stronger. I don’t even know, I don’t know if it’s right or not. If I should feel like this.. if he feels the same way or not. I think he does. I am pretty damn sure he does. Honestly, all I know now, is that he has me hooked. I don’t even THINK of other guys while I have him. And it’s not all about sex, either. That’s the best thing about it. We have a real relationship.. something real and wonderful going on. He’s so great to Zach. He’s just so awesome all together. I believe I love him. I really, really think I do. Isn’t that what love is? Not being able to get someone out of your mind?

If you can’t get someone out of your mind, maybe they’re supposed to be there.

So maybe life is finally going right. Maybe I’m not such a screw up. Maybe things will go right. Either way, I’ve made mistakes and I’m trying to get past them. I will be the first to admit I am not perfect. Extremely far from it, actually. But I am trying. Trying very hard, too. I’m sure I’ll make more mistakes, hopefully never like the past, but I know I’ll get through them too. I have faith in me.