I love the holidays, I really do. Christmas time is my favorite time of the year. And I got it back when I had my son. Yeah, I do mean got it back. It was gone. It will be 4 years on the 18th since he passed away.. and I remember it like it was yesterday. It will never go away, I’m sure. I miss him so much still and I don’t know what to do with myself around the time.
I’ve screwed up so much in my life already, and I can’t blame anybody but me. I know if he was still alive, I would have never done half the things I did. However, I wouldn’t have my son. That’s the one good thing that came out of my screw ups. He’s the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just trying to fix everything, I’m trying so hard, and nothing seems to be working. I feel like everything I do is so slow-paced and there’s no way to speed it up. I don’t know what to do with myself when things get like this.
Today we got an email. Ron has cancer. Again … I don’t know what to do. He’s been around for as long as I can remember. Yet I hate being around him because he reminds me so much of my father. I guess that’s what best friends do? I don’t know how to take it. I don’t know what to do. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I don’t want to lose another “father”
Now I understand why some people didn’t want to see my father the way he was at the end. But you know what? I wish I would have never seen him that way either, but I’m so glad I was there with him. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
My God I miss him.
And poor Ron.
