I can’t find my bra!!!

I really can’t. I just bought it. It fits so fucking great and makes my boobies look WONDERFUL.. and I can’t find the damn thing!!! God. I have no idea where it could be. I took it off in my bedroom. So where could it have gone? Seriously..wow.

So going with Dude to his friend’s “get together” tonight. Boy oh boy.. I’m nervous as all hell!! And then he’s meeting my brother and sister in law tomorrow morning. We’re meeting my mother and Zach and my brother’s house for brunch. He was invited too. I’m looking forward to that, but nervous too.

Talked to C about my nerves last night. I get very anxious about meeting new people. Really. And you wouldn’t think it, because I’m so outgoing.. but that’s when I just don’t know you and just like meet you from somewhere. There’s a huge difference. With meeting friends of his.. then I don’t know what they’ve been told about me, or what they’ll expect of me.. all that kinda stuff. So I get nervous. And I’m nervous right now.

I’m already starting to get ready. Doing a cholesterol treatment to my hair and then getting into the shower. Going to dry my hair (diffuser included) and then try to get the spawn to take a nap. We’ll see how well that goes. I guess get up around 3 and start getting ready? I don’t know what time C’s getting off work, but he’s coming right here.

Oh boy oh boy, I’m ready to party!! BUT GOD, I NEED MY BRA!! *scream*

It’s My Birthday

And I’ll drink if I want to!! HAHAHA

So I got a text message…

“May be kinda falling for u a lil bit so i’ll just have to deal with that in my own lil way.”

May be kinda?? Hahaha how cute.

I’m ECSTATIC!!!!!!

Christmas came and went…

And I honestly just realized that Zach’s father never called for Christmas. Okay. Another holiday come and gone without any contact from him.

Now give me ONE good reason why I shouldn’t make his life as miserable as I possibly can?

The only thing is.. we had a great Christmas without him. And honestly, I just now realized he never called. I’m glad Zach’s not old enough to realize.. and hopefully when he is old enough to know that daddy forgot about him again, he’ll be old enough to know that it doesn’t matter because he has everything he needs and wants without him ever being there. That’s good enough for me.

I just don’t see how you could have a child and want nothing to do with them.. especially on a day such as Christmas.

Merry Christmas!!!

So the big day has arrived!! I have had presents in the spare room, in the shed, and in the car just waiting for this day to come. And it was great to finally see him open them!

It started out at work. C picked me up Monday AM after work. We went home. Took the car to get the window fixed* and then came back home. Got in his car and decided to brave the grocery store one last time before the bearded man made an appearance. We got hoagies for lunch, some lunchmeat, bread, etc. The usual necessities. We made a stop at his house … first time Zach has ever been there! Dropped some things off to Johnny and came home. I fell asleep on him on the ride home. (Mind you, I had maybe || <– that much sleep on Sunday and then worked all Sunday night and none on Monday either.) We came home and took a nap, got up, I made dinner, and we just spent time .. the 3 of us.. in the living room watching tv. My mother came home and soon it was time for Zach to go to bed. C and I slept until about 11:15 and then got up and wrapped presents. Well, that took a little longer than expected! And boy, I didn’t realize this child had so many gifts until I decided to wrap them.. haha. C got Zach a bunch of gifts too. I’m not much of a stocking person.. but C got him a HUGE stocking too. So, we were up until about 12:30 out here. I took pictures of the tree with all the gifts under it before anyone/any animals got to it. Then we went to bed.

Our night was great. Nice, ’special’, comfortable, and just unbelievably great. After the activities, we had an amazing sleep as well. Zach got up around 9am and we all came out to watch him open gifts. He took his time. He would “Oh wow!” at all the toys, or put his finger to his lip and say “Hmm, I wonder what this is!” Hahaha it was so cute. But it was great to watch him open things and see how excited he got. Just wonderful. Really.

C got me a tshirt, a 20Q game thing, and 2 pairs of earrings. I really really love the earrings. He got me a pair of gold hoop earrings, and a pair of thin gold hoops that have crosses on them. I love it all. It was wonderful spending Christmas with him. I’m so glad he was here for it. He went home already, he had to take J back home. I sent some ham and some french toast for J and some ham for C too. I’ll talk to him later I’m sure.

All I know about all this now is.. This man has a hold on me. And I am absolutely loving it.

*Getting the window fixed- My mother ordered the wrong window. She told them the windshield and guess what.. it’s the BACK window, not the windshield, that has to be fixed. So they ordered a windshield and it will be done Wednesday morning. Thank God!!!

Almost Christmas!

Okay so it’s FINALLY almost Christmas! And one week until my birthday. Woohoo! I can’t wait to celebrate that. I got Zach’s layaway off and am going to wrap everything Christmas Eve. I have to go through the stuff today to wrap things that I got for other kids because me and Sarah are exchanging gifts on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas since she’s going away for the holiday. So when Zach takes a nap, that’s what I’ll be doing.

Anyhow.. Dude came over last night. And it was so nice to see him. I missed him!! I couldn’t stop smiling the whole time he was here. It just sucks that he had to get up to leave so early. I’m supposed to see him tonight. I don’t know what’s going on now whether he’s going to come here and spend the night or whether I’m going there. I’d rather go there and get a break from the spawn for one night. I miss being able to go see him and just hang out there without anyone any kids to bother me.

So yesterday I was driving home and I hear *BANG!* I look in the rearview mirror and the WHOLE back windshield is cracking. Into little pieces. I was hoping I could get home without it cracking or breaking or shattering … but then I heard it shattering. Literally, HEARD it. So I pulled over and took Zach out and put him in the front seat with me.. meanwhile, freaking out because I don’t have the money to get it fixed … and it’s not even my car – it’s my mom’s! So I’m figuring she’s gonna kill me, flip out, whatever. Well, thank god I put Zach in the front because soon after I did that, the whole window shattered. So now there is glass all over the back of my car seats, in his carseat.. just all over. I came home, still freaking out, grabbed Zach, ran in the house and told my mother … who was rather calm about the whole situation. She wanted to make sure Zach wasn’t hurt and everything else is okay, and said maybe an iceball or a tree branch fell on it. Because I still don’t know what it was. Anyhow, my brother said he’ll pay to get it fixed. Thank god! So C is picking me up on Monday morning (Christmas Eve!) from work and we are coming here. He is going with me to get it fixed, and Tas is going to watch Zach for me. We wanted to get it fixed tomorrow but they don’t have any openings until Monday at 9am. So that’s that.

Tas got her car stuck again the other day. Her boyfriend and a friend of his/hers/mine came to help her get it out. They got it out. Anyhow, the point of this is.. Kids say the darnest thing!!! Zach came over to me last night and the conversation went like this:

Zach: “Mommy I can’t play with my truck.”
Me: “Why not?”
Zach: “I can’t drive it.”
Me: “Why can’t you drive it? Go get it.”
Zach: “I can’t. It’s stuck in a ditch like Tas car. Tas can’t drive either.”

HAHAHAA I laughed so hard. I love my son. He’s so funny!! His newest thing is telling me I’m a funny bunny. No idea where he got that from. Oh yeah, and now he answers the tv and talks to Dora and Diego and Joe from Blues Clues and to Tasha on the Backyardigans.. I hate that show, btw. I also hate The Wonder Pets. But that’s life.

I think we’re going to eat lunch, and take a nap soon. Sounds good to me. I need it.

Adding a little spice into the mix!

The ingredient? Me.

Haha, the other day C was supposed to come over and ended up having to work late. So I haven’t seen him since last week. And yes, I do miss him. I may be going soft. Tas mentions.. do you think he’s cheating on you?? Saying that the thought would cross her mind. Of course, what girl doesn’t have thoughts like that once in a while? However, I know better. I know things are good with us and good in my life…for the most part. I also know that I am more than enough to handle … all by myself. Hah!! So eat cake, bitches!!!

Now for the seriousness.. somewhat. I’m not 100% here mentally.. probably not even 20% right now. I haven’t slept since about 3pm yesterday. And not much time before that! Maybe a total of about 4 hours all together? I’m not sure. Anyhow. I am about to fall over. I wish I could go to sleep, but I can’t. Have to go to probation and get Zach’s layaway while he is with Grandma. My mother is borrowing a friend of her’s car… so she has to take that back by 12. I’m planning on going out with Sarah a little later, then C is coming over. Now tell me …. when do I sleep? Honestly.. really, seriously, honestly.. I don’t want to do anything at all. I just want to sleep.

And no, I don’t think the world is against my getting sleep today. Not yet, anyhow. But yesterday.. that was a different story. Ha! Let’s not go there.

Okay okay I’m off to the store. Layaway first. Wait, no, gas first. Then layaway. Then probation. Then home. Maybe shove in an hour of sleep somewhere between now and tonight. Wish me luck.

The Countdown Begins

..7 Days Til Christmas!

So here’s the plan for Christmas, starting today:

• Tuesday 12/18
  Work tonight
• Wednesday 12/19 
  Work tonight
• Thursday 12/20
  Get paid…
  Zach’s layaway off!
  Legal crap to take care of
  Go out with Sarah
  Get ONE last present (for Dude), get wrapping paper
  Go see Carmella
  C comes over after work…
  Decorate tree
• Friday 12/21
  Getting Zach’s pictures done
  Going to C’s house to spend the night
• Saturday 12/22
  Come home
  Work tonight!
• Sunday 12/23
  Work tonight!! (Last night before vacation!!!!)
• Monday 12/24
  C is picking me up from work.. woohoo!!!
  Coming home & hanging out
  Sarah’s coming over… Exchanging presents
  -Eve-(after bedtime)
  Wrapping presents!!!
  Watching The Christmas Shoes
  C gets part of his present.. haha
• Tuesday 12/25
  CHRISTMAS!!!!! Wooohoooooooo!!!
  Open presents
  Have breakfast
  Go see Nevaeh … C will meet her
  Come back home and watch Christmas movies all day!!

WOOOHOOOO!! One week. I can’t wait!!! And yes.. still falling.. head over heels for The Dude!!!

R.I.P. DADDY!!!
8/22/50 – 12/18-03
I MISS YOU!!

Gotta love the Holidays

I love the holidays, I really do. Christmas time is my favorite time of the year. And I got it back when I had my son. Yeah, I do mean got it back. It was gone. It will be 4 years on the 18th since he passed away.. and I remember it like it was yesterday. It will never go away, I’m sure. I miss him so much still and I don’t know what to do with myself around the time.

I’ve screwed up so much in my life already, and I can’t blame anybody but me. I know if he was still alive, I would have never done half the things I did. However, I wouldn’t have my son. That’s the one good thing that came out of my screw ups. He’s the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just trying to fix everything, I’m trying so hard, and nothing seems to be working. I feel like everything I do is so slow-paced and there’s no way to speed it up. I don’t know what to do with myself when things get like this.

Today we got an email. Ron has cancer. Again … I don’t know what to do. He’s been around for as long as I can remember. Yet I hate being around him because he reminds me so much of my father. I guess that’s what best friends do? I don’t know how to take it. I don’t know what to do. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I don’t want to lose another “father”

Now I understand why some people didn’t want to see my father the way he was at the end. But you know what? I wish I would have never seen him that way either, but I’m so glad I was there with him. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

My God I miss him.

And poor Ron.

Smitten.

…Because there is just no better word for it!

God I am so falling for this guy.. and honestly, I’m starting to enjoy it!! I don’t know what to do. I’m too far, can’t stop it now!! I’m glad I met him. I even miss him now! It’s been a couple months since I met him.. and I haven’t gotten rid of him yet! That proves something. If I’m not bored yet, maybe.. just maybe.. something good may come of this.

I like him SO much!

Snow must bring out the loonies.

And I think my son may be one of them.

Okay so, let’s start with The Dude. Everything with him is great. We talked last night.. got into the whole thing about how we feel about each other. And we’re definitely on the same page. That’s awesome. I don’t know what will happen with this, don’t know if it will last or not, but I do hope it does.

The spawn is getting worse. I don’t know what to do with him. But he seems to be a lot better when Dude is here. I guess it’s the whole male figure. Another reason to keep him around.

One more reason? He moved my cabinet for me yesterday with no problem at all.

I invited him over for Christmas. He’s coming. He’s coming over Christmas Eve, going to help me wrap presents. He’s excited about it too… I am, I’m just not showing it as much as he is. (Shh!) He said he hasn’t celebrated Christmas in a couple years.. hasn’t had a reason to. And he’s glad he has a reason to this year. <Aww>  Also he said he’s excited to go shopping. I, on the other hand, have no idea what to buy him. Any help here??

In other news.. I have one more week to get Zach’s layaway off. I’m excited for that too. Excited for my birthday to come. I just love the holidays.

So the roomie and I have been getting along pretty well lately. I tried to explain to her why I dislike her boyfriend so much. I think she just may get it now.

Blah blah blah. I painted my toenails today. And my fingernails. I went shopping. Paid my layaway. Got tons of food and snacks (I was hungry shopping.. never do that). And then drove home in the snow. I think I went about 25 if not less the whole ride home. Second gear all the way. And boy was I proud of myself in my little car! Everyone was stuck on the hills but oh not me!!

Go me, go me! Go my car, go my car! Woohoo.

Um I kinda want another baby. Just to hold. That’s all. I hate that feeling. But I want to hold a baby. Not have one. Does that make sense?